Saturday, January 19, 2008

History repeats itself.

It was a terrible idea. I knew it from the moment I turned the key. But my propensity to please kept my foot steady on the gas, although my decision fluctuated like a dieter's scale.

"I probably should NOT be doing this."

" Well, it's not that big of a deal."

"It's getting bad out here."

"It's not really
that bad."

Back and forth in my mind- still unsure as I took the exit. With a determination built of shear goodwill and stupidity I continued turning down the less than familiar, dark country road. Each new snowflake racing toward my windshield brought a twinge of fear. With wipers on high, I struggled to find the driveway leading to the log cabin. Halfway up the small mountain, cleverly disguised as a hill, I lost my traction. My ambition was melting. My compact car had met it's match.

Who knew teaching music lessons would require 4
wd! But, imagining these kiddos full of excitement because of the snow and their first music lessons kept me driving in that direction. I didn't want to wuss out on them. They were counting on me!!! I had made it this far... I didn't want to turn back... but, I just couldn't make it up that hill. Not by myself anyway!

My friend Tammy came down to get me. She is the petite yet fierce queen of this hill. A northern driver who can navigate this terrain with the best of them! I was so
relieved when she picked me up. My relief quickly turned to shock as her minivan masqueraded as a 4x4 pick up truck. She whizzed up the snow covered mountain barely escaping trees, throwing rocks out of the back tires, and narrowly squeezing past the corner of the house into the driveway. I never had time to be scared it all happened in such a blur.

The scene was all to familiar... only 5 years before, almost to the day, I had been in the same situation. Same hill, same weather conditions. This time a different reason, car, and rescuer. But, you get the idea. How odd! They say history repeats itself.

I guess we all get "stuck" on our own little uphill climb sometimes. Just when it seems like you're moving forward the wheels start spinning and you begin to slide back. It's frustrating. But, keep on! Just when you need it most, a Friend will be there to help you get back on the right path. Sometimes, you just have to move over and let them do it for you :)


Friday, January 4, 2008

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to

On the eve of my 28th birthday... I am reflecting back over the birthday memories of years past. I've celebrated in so many different ways. Each unique and memorable... but, the one that stands out most to me is my 8th birthday. The one that, at the time, I would say was the WORST! I laugh now remembering:

We had only lived in Georgia about 6 months. I was so excited to have all of my new friends come over. Pizza, games, friends… what more could an 8 yr old want? Everything was going spectacular until table hockey became more popular than me. What’s worse is my friends didn’t want to listen to my rules about how the games should go. Worse than that my parents didn’t make everyone stop and do it my way. They were all seriously disrespecting the birthday girl!

I know you are starting to feel really sorry for me. Thank you. Yeah right… what a brat! I should have been having the time of my life. The fading 35mm pictures spell it out clearly. I am sitting on the couch while a half dozen wide eyed girls are hovering over the hockey game. I missed out on the joy of my own birthday because I got wrapped up in myself.

Twenty years later, the sad truth is my selfish nature hasn’t really changed that much. It’s just that all of the variables have changed. It’s not usually about friends and games anymore, it’s about opportunities, possessions and well, yeah… still friends and family.

The good news is... I’m learning that I have to take responsibility for myself. There’s only one person I can force to change. Her name is Lani. I’m learning the beauty of other options. I’m learning that there are many ways besides my way.

I wonder how many more of candles I'll blow out before I really get the hang of this thing. Baby steps... baby steps!